The Porkins of a marriage

Porkins : I got a problem here. My converter’s running wild.

Biggs : Eject!

Porkins : I can hold it. Gimme more room to run.

Biggs : You’re too low. Pull up!

Porkins : No, I’m all right… [death scream]

The last moments of the hero Jek Tono Porkins pretty much sums up the last years of my marriage. One part of my brain saying hang in there everything always works out for the best in the end while the issues going on eat me up inside and the other half of my brain saying eject get out, the sooner you do it the better and it will be hard whenever you do it.
The wife and I wanted totally different things in the future namely she wanted children and I didn’t and is one of the few major things in a relationship there are no compromises for.

Of course the obvious question that everyone asks is “why didn’t you talk about that when you first got together” well the answer was we did, we were young and both undecided we were both on the lines of “maybe one day” then about 8 years ago my wife fell pregnant and subsequently miscarried and it was that moment when we were told she was pregnant that our minds were made up which way we fell on the wanting children front. With me being on the “I never want children side” We didn’t talk about it for while when we probably should have as we didn’t know if it was just a knee jerk reaction and after things calmed down we would change our minds. We did speak about it and then went to counselling and saw the most biased and easily swayed counselor ever. He had children and was not neutral at all, he would say things like he didn’t want children but when he had them he loved them, to which I replied “If you really didn’t want children why did you have them?” he said because his wife wanted them. And would say things like “Why won’t I let my wife have children” I ended up fronting my case well and by the next session he was totally on my side and saying “Why are you trying to make your husband have children” Still not neutral so we never went back. We fell back into normality and carried on in ignorance. then about 5 years ago it came up and we spoke that we wanted different things on a few occasions over the next few years until it was clear we wanted different things. We then fell back into normality which was easy to do as we still got on as people and could have a laugh. Then over the last few years it got worse and the fun stopped, we stopped being US and became 2 people and gradually grew apart. I would always think I need to bring it up as the only option is to spilt up but I’ll wait till after Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, etc and cycle round. Anxiety and depression was building up for both of us but neither of us wanted to press that eject button. Until it was clear in my head I needed to man up and get shit done as she was never going to bring it up and continue plodding. So I did and we spoke and it became clear we had to split up. This was late last year. We had Christmas plans so we decided not to say anything to the family but would deal with it all after Christmas. Christmas came and went and it didn’t come up again until I bought it up (as I seemed to be the only one who ever did which is weird as it was time pressing on her part as we could have easily gone on not having children forever) It was early this year that I bought it up again as I was conscious of it not festering away again and we decided we needed to split up and that was the only option. We went on knowing this but not really doing too much I would take my ring off and only wear it when I know people knew us both and didn’t want anyone asking questions. We tried living in the same house but then just drifted along again as flat mates and not getting on with it. a few weeks later we said it couldn’t work like this so she started spending nights away at her mum’s as that was the only place either of us could go as I knew no one with a spare room I would feel comfortable telling.  Then after a while she was spending all the time at her mum’s but still technically living in our house still and hadn’t “moved out”. Then a few weeks later we came to the decision we needed to be properly separated so she “Moved out” and we agreed for her to do that and be separated but to meet up in a month to talk it over and crack on with it. We both met up agreed we had definitely done the correct thing and we needed to stay separated and to get on with things.

Fast forward to today and the house is cleared, photos taken and Estate agents putting it on the market. The wife is still at her mum’s and I have the house to myself which has been hard, lonely and at times horrible when I have come across photos, wedding things etc but I have a great group of friends helping me who I have spoke to all the way through the process. 2 of my female friends have been through similar things except they are further down the road and  it was them that didn’t want the children where the males did. One of them I have grown very close to and have started seeing and she is truly wonderful, It’s a long distance relationship which is a first for me but we are giving it a proper a go and it is working. I truly think she is amazing and is perfect for me and to me.

So the house is cleared and going on the market and contains my stuff, mostly boxed up and some joint possessions and wedding gifts etc. As there are a number of boxes the house feels soulless and doesn’t feel like “home” anymore but I am stuck there until the sale where I’ll have the financial situation to be able to get my own place and to have a place that feels like home again. I have contacted the wife and to meet to go through the joint possessions as she will only come to the house when I’m not there. She has also said she is not ready to go through these with me yet but I am at the stage when I want it done and over so I can move on.

So Why am I dealing with it better than her? Am I uncaring? Was I over it for me a long time before it was for her and before we split? has it just not hit me fully yet?

My reasons I think:

• I was open with people and spoke about it all the way through to a select group of friends who were my friends rather than our friends. She kept it in and didn’t tell anyone until we actually split
• The marriage had been over in my heart for some years and the separation was expected and needed. In my head the marriage was over since last year when I bit the bullet and made us talk so I was ready for the talk and in the right frame of mind. Maybe she was still hoping I would change my mind or just buried her head hoping things would work out. I think if even within the last year if either of us had changed our mind too much had happened for it to work anyway  
• My conviction of that I have done the right thing was reinforced by how happy I really felt after it and by how many people have commented on how happy I seem now. I cannot ever remember being this happy in my life even thought there are hard time a head and I’m going through a tough process I have people there for me and a relationship I am very happy and excited about.. 
• My Girlfriend: I feel I have found “the one” perfect for and to me. I feel a connection like I have never felt with anyone else and to have a girlfriend who shares a lot of the same interests and I do not have to have a separate home/love life and hobby/what I like life is a dream come true. Interests are different enough we can still have our own lives but similar enough we can do things together. I have always been jealous of the people at gaming days and conventions who have their other half with them and they enjoy it rather than have their other half just trudging around behind not enjoying it or as so many people go on their own as their other half doesn’t have that interest. I also crazy fancy her and really do feel she is the hottest most beautiful woman on the planet as well as the sexiest. I feel in the past I have gone out with girls of my level but with my girlfriend I feel I am punching above my weight and where I am pretty average looking she’s stunning a real 10/10 and I feel lucky to have her, proud to call her my girlfriend and proud when we are out together.